Hi friends,
I can’t thank you all enough for the support over the last week. The dream of entrepreneurship has been percolating in my mind since I was a kid, but the reality of the Good Wolf has been in the works since October. I have held off sharing the journey because of fear of failure. But last week I decided to commit to sharing my passion with my people, and boy did you people not disappoint. The kind words, messages, likes, follows and even my first merch purchase were beyond what I could have imagined. And that is a reflection of how I was feeling all weekend, thankful.
Gratitude certainly feeds my good wolf. And after preaching my passion with my people I was feeling abundant with gratitude and joy. I quit my job on Wednesday, and it felt great. I loved the organization I was working for, and look forward to supporting them in the future, but my heart wasn’t in it. I wanted to be pouring my energy into my business and my son. So I made it home in time for school pick up on Wednesday; no more sitting in traffic wishing I could part cars like the Red Sea to make it to daycare faster. Thursday was a half-day for school, and work-free I was able to pick Markus up and enjoy some skateboarding in the sunshine. Friday was a parent-teacher conferences, and boy did my kid ever crush it! If straight A’s were a thing in Kindergarten he’d would’ve had them, and he got moved up to the next level in Taekwondo too[ (shout-out to Bateson’s Martial Arts). To top it off we went skating Friday, and both had a blast. I couldn’t conceal my smile, I was proud of my son, grateful for my home, and excited for our future.
So Friday night, when my son went off to his Dad’s for the weekend I went out to Rona, bought a string of patio lights and a propane tank and set up my fire pit on the patio. I enjoyed a couple beverages alone under the stars (I’m pretty sure they were just planes, it was super foggy) while the Christmas lights in town twinkled in the distance. But as I sat there doing my best to soak in the happy, I felt a familiar old force creeping in like a dark cloud threatening a clear day. I didn’t deserve to be this happy, who was I to revel in all these pleasant feelings? What was coming next? Will my business fail? Will I lose my apartment? Oh god, am I going to die in a high speed crash?! Here I was doing my best to feed my good wolf, feeling grateful, soaking in the joy, and along came the other wolf, skulking in to steal the moment. My other wolf, he likes to forbode joy. When I feel happy my other wolf likes to come along and tell me I don’t deserve it: I’m not worthy; something bad is going to happen.
I went to bed that night feeling out of sorts. Saturday I tried to shake it off by focusing on making merch and offered to help a friend by working at his hot dog stand in the evening. ( Side note, if you haven’t tried Lully’s hot dogs in Abbotsford, what are you even doing with your life? New York imported, foot long hot dogs on custom made pretzel buns with homemade sauces - I like mine with Chili Mayo and Stolen Onion Jam. You can find him in the Abbotsford Canadian Tire parking lot sometimes- good luck with that. But, lucky for you he now has a permanent stand at the Abbotsford Canucks Arena, and is open during all home games. He’s also a pretty rad guy who donated a kidney to a customer. Just make sure to wear a Manchester United jersey and ask for extra ketchup! Who knows, you may even see me there.) Sunday was about the same, chip away at business things, hot dog stand, and then hockey. Monday is when it all came crashing down. I was out running errands with my Mom when I received a panicked call from my stepmom, my dad had had a stroke. I buried my emotions while speaking with her, assuring her he would be okay. But as soon as I got off the phone panic set in, I wandered the store fidgeting with the items in my hands, lost in my head, until finally at the check out I passed my purchase to my Mom and told her I had to step outside. I melted into a ball of anxiety in the car, and carried the weight with me for the rest of the day.
It wasn’t till later that night, speaking with a dear friend as I explained this whole “foreboding joy” concept that I felt some clarity. The first thing they had said was “why don’t you deserve to be happy?” The second thing they said was “don’t think like that or you’re going to manifest that negativity into your life.” Of course, these are things I know. They’re things we all know. But sometimes we need a reminder. Something to let us know it’s time to kindly show our other wolf out.
Today I received updates that my Dad is doing better. He is recovering in hospital and has regained mobility in his affected arm. There are so many things in life we can control. There are things that take hard work, a humble demeanor and grit to build or to overcome'; but then there are things in life that we cannot control, and in those moments the only thing we can control is our reactions. When life throws you curve balls, and you feel the spiral set in, which wolf would you rather join you on the journey? For me, the other wolf always tries to sneak his way in. He encourages my anxiety, flames my self-doubt and will catastrophize every event into the worst-case scenario. But when I choose to feed my good wolf instead I remember to think positive, find the silver lining and allow myself to process each emotion in a healthy way.
If you’ve made it this far I sincerely appreciate your patience. Thank you for reading friend.
Be kind, take care, and feed your good wolf!
Jerrica